Before I start this post, let it be known that I love gym, I would even go so far as to call it my “Happy Place” – The reason I am writing this post is because there are types of people who are ruining my gym-going experience and I need to oust them
The Mark Wahlberg
Gyms are conveniently lined wall-to-wall with mirrors, which is actually a good thing, we need this you guys, it’s important, to check your form and make sure you are doing it right – however there are some people who take “Checking their form” to an all new level and we call this person “The Mark Wahlberg” – because I mean is there any person more into themselves than Marky Mark?
The Mark Wahlberg is guilty of spending more time in front of the mirror checking out their “form” than the Queen in Snow White! The sad reality is this puffed up mirror staring mongoloid is probably in really good shape – so no one is ever going to give him shit about staring at himself in the mirrors for his full 90 minute arm workout. Also, the more jacked up he is the higher the degree of “Wahlberging” and the greater the chance that he stares into his own brown eyes while rubbing one out.
This gym goer goes to gym to well, look – he spends most of his workout staring in awe at other people working out. He may not necessarily be the guy who drives slowly past kindergartens, or who is still living with his mom at the ripe old age of 40 but he sure as hell looks like he could be besties with Ted Bundy. One is never sure if the “The Looker” is really just looking to see what you are doing, and learn or if he is waiting for the right moment to sodomize you in the steam room – I am not sticking around to find out and NO – you can’t “Spot me”
The Ellen DeGeneres
Do you know what Ellen gets paid copious amounts of money to do? Do you know what Ellen is REALLY good at doing? Talking, (Ok, she is also a brilliant dancer but that is off topic). Ellen is so good at talking in fact that she does not let even her guests get a word in. I mean she is phenomenal at talking, lesbihonest.
The Ellen DeGeneres at the gym needs to be avoided at all cost, they think the gym is their studio, and they will follow you from machine to machine, and try to talk to you on the treadmill when you are VERY OBVIOUSLY listening to your iPod. The Ellen will approach you with a big smile and ask questions such as “Are those the new Nikes? How are you finding them? I am thinking of getting pair” as soon as the conversation has been started, and you reply you can kiss goodbye the next 30 mins, and your workout is decidedly over.
The Con Artist
The Con Artist can also be called “The Stretcher” because they always look like they are stretching post-workout, the reality of the situation is all they do for their 30 mins in the gym is stretch. The Con Artist is really easy to spot on a gym safari – they are the brightest birds in the gym, with the shiniest of designer kit, if they are girls they will probably have a full face of make up on and wear their hair down to work out (Proof that they are doing anything BUT work out).
The Con Artist is under the impression that a healthy, air-borne alternative to actual hard work is pumped into the gym through the air-vents and that just being present in the gym environment is enough. The Con artist is just that, a con artist who has read up on every workout possible – they talk about programs and muscles with their posh workout partner over a Kauai Chai, upsize, with full cream milk.
The Remember the Titans Ryan Gosling
If you haven’t watched Remember the Titans, welcome to 2013, we have Blue-Ray and super fast wireless internet now, you need to take those things back with you to the cave you crawled out from. In cast your mind back to the year 2000 and Remember the Titans, and a young, non-muscular Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling only had about 4 lines in that movie but yet he seems to earn himself the most screen time by casually smiling in the background of every scene even though he was without a doubt the shittiest player on the whole team. Just watch the movie if you don’t believe me.
So every gym has a group of 4-5 boys that work out together as a pack, because safety in numbers is a thing in the gym, much like in prison. In each one of these groups is “The Remember the Titans Ryan Gosling” who tries his hardest to be involved in every joke, conversation to mask the fact that he has no idea how to workout and can’t handle picking up his water bottle let alone a weight – he probably will sneak in a “Quick Set” while his friends are preoccupied, or on one of his many walks to the water cooler.
The worst thing about the “Remember the Titans Ryan Gosling” is he can actually encompass the four qualities I mentioned above – he will talk, stretch, look and mirror hound his way through not working out